I just pynch a tree in the face
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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