He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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