my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
