Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
