Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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