his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I am spending my child support on dildos
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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