next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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