Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
