That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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