Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
