How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
