life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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