She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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