Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
