if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Come see our sink grown plant.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
