I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sext me about skeletons
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
