i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
