Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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