I will die if light touches me.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
