The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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