He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
