Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
