atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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