I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
