Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
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