when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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