grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
