you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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