I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
