In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
