She's JV to your varsity
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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