Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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