There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize