I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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