I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
