So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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