Too much gin, very little bucket
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
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