everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
