Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
