based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize