I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
