my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize