Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
