i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
