Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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