you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize