We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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