Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
