I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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