Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
