DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
