Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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