so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
bring money and cleavage
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
