you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
