Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
