she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
