a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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